ASK AMY: Sister struggles to support a selfish brother


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Dear Amy: I had a horrible pandemic year: a pandemic, a breast cancer diagnosis, a child with depression, suicidal ideation, and a long stay in a mental institution for them – and our business nearly failed. It all went well, but we are still in shock.

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My sister tends to be extremely egotistical. She tried to support me a bit, but I’m really fed up with the hug and heart emojis she sent me for support.

I was also fed up with her telling me how beautiful I was.

Neither are very encouraging gestures from a 50-year-old woman.

When I told my family about the failure of our business, they texted me back how helpless she felt… blah, blah, blah.

She relies on me to visit our parents, even if she goes on vacation.

We don’t have the greatest sister relationship.

She just had a personal health crisis which was scary and worrying, and I’m really struggling to send support to her.

I’m still dealing with all of my trauma and I don’t know how to ignore my resentments towards her. There is so much I can handle right now.

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I guess I keep hoping that at some point she grows up and we could have a better relationship. She is better now than she was 15 years ago.

Ideas?

– In trouble

Dear in difficulty: Your choices for responding to this sister are:

Do nothing, which does not change anything (you keep simmering in your juice and resenting him).

Send her some hugs and hearts emojis as a passive-aggressive “see how YOU like” gesture.

Or give her a call and spend a few minutes compassionately listening and complaining.

I think the key to your own healing is behind door number three.

It is a version of the old “Golden Rule”.

Your sister can respond to any supportive gesture by feeling sorry for herself and demanding more of you (this is how immature and self-centered people tend to behave when knocked down), and if it is. is the case, you will need to put yourself calmly first.

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Your own traumas and tribulations have seasoned you to bitterness. It’s a normal, humane response, but being purposefully nice to someone else for a few moments will uplift you and take some of that bitterness away.

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Dear Amy: One of our sons and his wife are constantly late for every meeting, most of which takes place at our house.

They are parents of our two year old grandson.

They can be between two and four hours late – it seems they pop up when they feel like it.

We usually set a time for what they said that’s best for them!

This last Father’s Day, everyone came at 1 p.m.

I did all the cooking (as usual) and they arrived at 5pm!

Our four other married children are also parents. Due to the delay, the rest of the family are not spending time with this grandchild / cousin as they are ready to go home by the time the latecomers arrive.

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It has become a big problem.

We stopped waiting for them to eat and declined their offers to bring a dish or dessert because he is not there when we need him!

As a parent, I am heartbroken. I’m not comfortable saying anything to my son or DIL, and I don’t think my other kids want it either.

Do you have any suggestions on what we can do to try to make them understand that this is rude and reckless?

– Mother upset

Dear upset: If you and the rest of the family are too afraid of your rude and inconsiderate son to point out the obvious, then I can’t help you.

If the words “rude” or “reckless” are too intimidating for you, you might say, “I get completely taken aback when you are always so late, and it starts to affect your relationship with me and the other members of the hospital. family “.

Dear Amy: Like “Survive”, I felt empty and depressed after my cancer treatments and surgeries ended.

Everyone thought it was over, but my physical healing was not over and my psyche was still hurting.

I wish I could hug Surviving and tell him it’s better.

In the meantime, I would advise her to pamper herself and find people to talk to who she can trust to listen and sympathize.

– Survive too

Expensive also: Lots and lots of virtual “hugs” are sent to him.

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